I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
