This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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