I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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