Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
