Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
