SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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