I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
