he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
