Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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