everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
