apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
