My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
