Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
oh god the rape fog is back!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
