Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
