guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
