Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
