my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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