Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
