after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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