I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
