I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
