my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
