mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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