you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
