Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
