the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
