i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
