mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
