Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
