hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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