I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
