i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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