One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
