Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
