Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
