She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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