is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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