i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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