Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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