she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
