And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
