The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
