I wanna passion pit in your ass
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
