She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i think my cat just said my name.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
