he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
