When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The air was thick with penises
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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