he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
God, I missed his penis.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
