I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
