I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
