my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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