if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
